Olympic Speed-Dating
Feb 18th 2018
Unfortunate Speed Skater Elise Christie crashed out of the Olympics AGAIN last weekend, this time in the 1500m semi final. Constantly on thin ice, touching someones leg inappropriately, ending up in tears at the local hospital…sounds like Tuesday night at my local. In fact, if things don’t improve, maybe Elise should pop along…..
OLYMPIC SPEED-DATING
GRAMS: BBC “GRANDSTAND” THEME TUNE
GARY: Good evening, you join us live for coverage of Olympic Speed Dating, sponsored by the “Dog and Duck”… and MasterCard!
GABBY: Our first competitor is 27 year old Elise from Livingstone. Unlucky on the ice, can she be lucky in love?
GARY: There she is, by the ladies, warming up…
GABBY: Indeed, looks like she has dressed for the occasion - wearing an all lycra number, which one can only assume is for full body protection and speed of exit…
GARY: Quite right Gabby - there are some right freaks turn up to these.
GABBY: Let’s join our reporter Clare, who is down at the bar soaking up the atmosphere!
CLARE: Thanks Gabby, yes conditions tonight are quite different to the ice rink that Elise is used to - although the floor is a bit slippy since Big Terry threw up earlier today after 15 pints and a Donor…
GARY: Great stuff Clare - well, we are about to kick off, once the bell rings …
FX: BELL
GARY: …let the speed-dating begin! Round 1, and facing Elise is 42 year old David from Birmingham.
DAVID: (Brummie accent) The Olympics happen every four years…but meeting you is once in a lifetime.
GARY: Ugh, that was slow start…and yes, Elise is shaking her head already… David is disqualified!
GABBY: Now for Round 2!
FX: BELL
GABBY: Next up is Alan, 46, from Newcastle!
ALAN: (Geordie accent) Way-aye man! Let’s make like the Olympic rings, pet…and hook up!
GARY: Just look at Elise’s face - an expression of pure disgust…
GABBY: The standard of opponent seems pretty poor this season, Gary.
GARY: Indeed, Gabby. Let’s head over again to Claire on the floor, who is listening in on round 3.
FX: BELL
CLAIRE: (hushed tone) Here I am, directly opposite Elise, who I can tell is getting increasingly frustrated. Perhaps 48 year old Keith, from Merseyside, can turn things around for her.
KEITH: (Scouse accent) Your legs must be tired, luv…because you’ve been speed-skating through my mind all night..
CLAIRE: (raised tone) Wow, a direct reference to her sport! Could this be the one Elise has been looking for….and yes…yes….
KEITH: AAARGHH!
CLAIRE: (normal voice) No, the skates are off…the blades are being held to Keith’s neck….this doesn’t look good…
GARY: Thanks Claire, what dramatic scenes here at the Dog and Duck! Another unlucky year in love for our plucky young Brit Elise, who, yes, I can see is now in tears during her interview.
GABBY: Hold on a second Gary…we have a late entry….there’s Big Terry! Looks like he left his wallet behind. Could this be a perfect match for our Elise?
GARY: Unfortunately we will never know Gabby - remember those blades? Big Tes has just slipped on his own sick from this morning and severed a major artery. Looks like a sliver medal at best for the lad.
GABBY: Ah well. Join us next week where special guest Wayne Rooney will be with us in the studio.
GARY: Yes, its speed-dating seniors night!
GARY AND GABBY: Goodbye!
END
Unfortunate Speed Skater Elise Christie crashed out of the Olympics AGAIN last weekend, this time in the 1500m semi final. Constantly on thin ice, touching someones leg inappropriately, ending up in tears at the local hospital…sounds like Tuesday night at my local. In fact, if things don’t improve, maybe Elise should pop along…..
OLYMPIC SPEED-DATING
GRAMS: BBC “GRANDSTAND” THEME TUNE
GARY: Good evening, you join us live for coverage of Olympic Speed Dating, sponsored by the “Dog and Duck”… and MasterCard!
GABBY: Our first competitor is 27 year old Elise from Livingstone. Unlucky on the ice, can she be lucky in love?
GARY: There she is, by the ladies, warming up…
GABBY: Indeed, looks like she has dressed for the occasion - wearing an all lycra number, which one can only assume is for full body protection and speed of exit…
GARY: Quite right Gabby - there are some right freaks turn up to these.
GABBY: Let’s join our reporter Clare, who is down at the bar soaking up the atmosphere!
CLARE: Thanks Gabby, yes conditions tonight are quite different to the ice rink that Elise is used to - although the floor is a bit slippy since Big Terry threw up earlier today after 15 pints and a Donor…
GARY: Great stuff Clare - well, we are about to kick off, once the bell rings …
FX: BELL
GARY: …let the speed-dating begin! Round 1, and facing Elise is 42 year old David from Birmingham.
DAVID: (Brummie accent) The Olympics happen every four years…but meeting you is once in a lifetime.
GARY: Ugh, that was slow start…and yes, Elise is shaking her head already… David is disqualified!
GABBY: Now for Round 2!
FX: BELL
GABBY: Next up is Alan, 46, from Newcastle!
ALAN: (Geordie accent) Way-aye man! Let’s make like the Olympic rings, pet…and hook up!
GARY: Just look at Elise’s face - an expression of pure disgust…
GABBY: The standard of opponent seems pretty poor this season, Gary.
GARY: Indeed, Gabby. Let’s head over again to Claire on the floor, who is listening in on round 3.
FX: BELL
CLAIRE: (hushed tone) Here I am, directly opposite Elise, who I can tell is getting increasingly frustrated. Perhaps 48 year old Keith, from Merseyside, can turn things around for her.
KEITH: (Scouse accent) Your legs must be tired, luv…because you’ve been speed-skating through my mind all night..
CLAIRE: (raised tone) Wow, a direct reference to her sport! Could this be the one Elise has been looking for….and yes…yes….
KEITH: AAARGHH!
CLAIRE: (normal voice) No, the skates are off…the blades are being held to Keith’s neck….this doesn’t look good…
GARY: Thanks Claire, what dramatic scenes here at the Dog and Duck! Another unlucky year in love for our plucky young Brit Elise, who, yes, I can see is now in tears during her interview.
GABBY: Hold on a second Gary…we have a late entry….there’s Big Terry! Looks like he left his wallet behind. Could this be a perfect match for our Elise?
GARY: Unfortunately we will never know Gabby - remember those blades? Big Tes has just slipped on his own sick from this morning and severed a major artery. Looks like a sliver medal at best for the lad.
GABBY: Ah well. Join us next week where special guest Wayne Rooney will be with us in the studio.
GARY: Yes, its speed-dating seniors night!
GARY AND GABBY: Goodbye!
END