Autoglass Visit Apple
Feb 18th 2018
Distracted Apple employees are reportedly walking into glass walls and doors at the company’s new $5bn HQ, apparently distracted by looking into their iPhones all the time. Two employees even sustained cuts to the head…”it’s a right pane” said one afterwards. If this keeps happening, Tim Cook will need to get the experts in…..
AUTOGLASS VISIT APPLE
FX: DOORBELL RINGS (DEFAULT iPHONE NOTIFICATION)
TIM COOK: (Californian drawl) Ah, hi there! I’m Tim, CEO of Apple. You must be the Autoglass Repair man I swiped for earlier?
FRED: (Broad Northern Accent) Aye lad. Eh up! This is a right fancy gaff!
ANGELA: (Even “drawlier” ) Hi, I’m Angela, Chief Finance Officer. We weren’t sure you could make it - I thought you just did vehicles?
FRED: Aye usually, but don’t worry lass, I’ve entered several glass door fitting competitions before..
ANGELA: Oh yes…what happened?
FRED: Smashed ‘em! Hahaha…bit of glass humour for you there.
TIM: Errr, great! So, could we get down to business?
FRED: Aye lad, fair enough. So the cost of your glass repair will depend on three main factors. First, the type of damage - is it a chip or a crack?
TIM: Well, we have quite a few cracks from people walking into the glass doors.
FRED: Eh?
FX: Background noise of someone in office opposite banging their head and inaudible swearing
ANGELA: Yeah, the guys just walk into them. Repeatedly.
FRED Your bloody joking? That’s hilarious. You should record that on one of them iPhone thingies that our Rita has..
ANGELA: Well, those iPhone “thingies” are actually the problem…
FRED: (ignoring Angela) send it to “You’ve Been Framed” - geddit? Framed? Window joke for you there…
TIM: (nervous laugh) Haha, well I don’t think we get that show here..
FRED: Nah, not the same since Beadle died. Anyway, second factor on cost is the piece of glass that is damaged. For example, is it the windscreen or side window?
ANGELA: Well, I guess the walls and doors are mostly curved safety glass, so similar to a windscreen?
FRED: And the crack’s in your line of sight?
TIM: Well yes, because people walk straight into it!
FRED: Aye, well they need to come out right away then. Fail your MOT.
ANGELA: So how much will this cost?
FRED: So that’s the third factor. Free, if you have insurance - should only need to cover your excess. How many glass doors are there?
ANGELA: 3000
FRED: Eeeh bah gum, 3000?
TIM: (tries to make a joke) Yes, 21000 years of bad luck!
FRED: (awkward pause) Sir, don’t be daft, that’s mirrors, not windscreens.
TIM: Sorry…
FRED: I thought you lot were supposed to clever inventors or summat?
ANGELA: (slightly agitated) Excuse me…
FRED (interrupts) Only messing, luv! Thought you would see right through me, ha!
ANGELA: (groan)
FRED: More glass jokes - I do crack myself up - geddit?
TIM: (getting irritated) Do you have any ideas how we can stop this happening? We spent $5bn on this HQ, so…
FRED: Summat cheap then…what about hats with parking sensors on?
ANGELA: Hmmmm…
FRED: Yeah, still a bit pricey. Massive sombreros?
TIM: I don’t think so
FRED: I’ve got it…on the doors…have life-size stickers…of doors.
ANGELA No…
FRED: Small stickers that just say THIS IS A DOOR.
TIM: I’m afraid we don’t even allow post-it notes as it detracts from the design of the building….
FRED: Ah well, what do I know about design…leave that to you California types. Speaking of which, I’ve got to run, got ANOTHER appointment at Microsoft.
TIM AND ANGELA: (Intrigued) Oh yes?
FRED: Yeah…they keep having problems with Windows. Cheerio!
END
Distracted Apple employees are reportedly walking into glass walls and doors at the company’s new $5bn HQ, apparently distracted by looking into their iPhones all the time. Two employees even sustained cuts to the head…”it’s a right pane” said one afterwards. If this keeps happening, Tim Cook will need to get the experts in…..
AUTOGLASS VISIT APPLE
FX: DOORBELL RINGS (DEFAULT iPHONE NOTIFICATION)
TIM COOK: (Californian drawl) Ah, hi there! I’m Tim, CEO of Apple. You must be the Autoglass Repair man I swiped for earlier?
FRED: (Broad Northern Accent) Aye lad. Eh up! This is a right fancy gaff!
ANGELA: (Even “drawlier” ) Hi, I’m Angela, Chief Finance Officer. We weren’t sure you could make it - I thought you just did vehicles?
FRED: Aye usually, but don’t worry lass, I’ve entered several glass door fitting competitions before..
ANGELA: Oh yes…what happened?
FRED: Smashed ‘em! Hahaha…bit of glass humour for you there.
TIM: Errr, great! So, could we get down to business?
FRED: Aye lad, fair enough. So the cost of your glass repair will depend on three main factors. First, the type of damage - is it a chip or a crack?
TIM: Well, we have quite a few cracks from people walking into the glass doors.
FRED: Eh?
FX: Background noise of someone in office opposite banging their head and inaudible swearing
ANGELA: Yeah, the guys just walk into them. Repeatedly.
FRED Your bloody joking? That’s hilarious. You should record that on one of them iPhone thingies that our Rita has..
ANGELA: Well, those iPhone “thingies” are actually the problem…
FRED: (ignoring Angela) send it to “You’ve Been Framed” - geddit? Framed? Window joke for you there…
TIM: (nervous laugh) Haha, well I don’t think we get that show here..
FRED: Nah, not the same since Beadle died. Anyway, second factor on cost is the piece of glass that is damaged. For example, is it the windscreen or side window?
ANGELA: Well, I guess the walls and doors are mostly curved safety glass, so similar to a windscreen?
FRED: And the crack’s in your line of sight?
TIM: Well yes, because people walk straight into it!
FRED: Aye, well they need to come out right away then. Fail your MOT.
ANGELA: So how much will this cost?
FRED: So that’s the third factor. Free, if you have insurance - should only need to cover your excess. How many glass doors are there?
ANGELA: 3000
FRED: Eeeh bah gum, 3000?
TIM: (tries to make a joke) Yes, 21000 years of bad luck!
FRED: (awkward pause) Sir, don’t be daft, that’s mirrors, not windscreens.
TIM: Sorry…
FRED: I thought you lot were supposed to clever inventors or summat?
ANGELA: (slightly agitated) Excuse me…
FRED (interrupts) Only messing, luv! Thought you would see right through me, ha!
ANGELA: (groan)
FRED: More glass jokes - I do crack myself up - geddit?
TIM: (getting irritated) Do you have any ideas how we can stop this happening? We spent $5bn on this HQ, so…
FRED: Summat cheap then…what about hats with parking sensors on?
ANGELA: Hmmmm…
FRED: Yeah, still a bit pricey. Massive sombreros?
TIM: I don’t think so
FRED: I’ve got it…on the doors…have life-size stickers…of doors.
ANGELA No…
FRED: Small stickers that just say THIS IS A DOOR.
TIM: I’m afraid we don’t even allow post-it notes as it detracts from the design of the building….
FRED: Ah well, what do I know about design…leave that to you California types. Speaking of which, I’ve got to run, got ANOTHER appointment at Microsoft.
TIM AND ANGELA: (Intrigued) Oh yes?
FRED: Yeah…they keep having problems with Windows. Cheerio!
END