Brexit Blind Date
Feb 12th 2018
Chief EU negotiator Michel Barnier has come in for some criticism this week over his aggressive bid to force the UK to stay in the Customs Union. Fearing more delays, and in the spirit of Valentine’s Day, EU leaders are trying new methods to inject a bit of love, peace and understanding into proceedings…
BREXIT BLIND DATE
GRAMS: Blind Date theme music
PAUL O’GRADY: Hello and welcome to this special Valentine’s edition of Brexit Blind Date! Contestants, what’s your name and where do you come from?
TERESA: Hi, I’m Teresa from Eastbourne
BORIS: Hello, I’m Boris from London
JACOB: Good day, I’m Jacob from the 18th Century
FX: Audience applaud
PAUL: Fabulous! Now, your all here to impress one girl. Please welcome, all the way from Hamburg, Germany…it’s our Angela!
FX: Audience applaud
ANGELA: Guten Abend, ing britischen Idioten!
PAUL : (nervous laugh) Now Angela, calm down. What’s your first question?
ANGELA: Is David Davies behind that curtain?
PAUL: Errr, no
ANGELA: Thank God for that, he’s a proper Schweinehund. OK, 52% of your family say you should break up with me. How would you let me know?
JACOB: Well, one would first send a parchment with one’s manservant via sailing vessel ….
ANGELA: (interrupts) No, I don’t want any more refugees crossing our border, thank you. Teresa?
TERESA: I would spend nearly £1000 sending you a love letter, personally hand delivered by my two aides, first class on Eurostar.
ANGELA: And what would the message say?
THERESA: “Let’s get thrifty with Article 50”
ANGELA: Aaaah, das ist gut! Boris?
BORIS: Errrr….I would write a big message on the side of a London bus saying how much money you would save if we split up.
ANGELA: And how much would that be?
BORIS: Errrr…I don’t have those figures at hand. How about a quick note on the back of a Millionaire 7’s scratch card instead? Guaranteed win all round!
ANGELA: I don’t like the sound of him. OK, next question. Ideally this “Road to Brexit” you talk about should be how I like it in the bedroom - efficient, with a clean withdrawal. What type of Brexit can I expect from you?
JACOB: Well one would certainly be very hard…
TERESA: I would deliver you a strong and stable Brexit, minimum discharge.
BORIS: I would get my mate Govey to join in and we would have a jolly good knees up, trousers down, two fingers up yours Del….
PAUL: (interrupting) Now now Boris this is a family show. OK, decision time, Angela! Will it be Jacob, the weed in tweed, Teresa the lonely heart with obvious trust issues, or Boris, the floppy haired man child?
ANGELA: Well, it’s just like Michel keeps telling me….they are all nutters. I can’t make up my mind…
PAUL: That’s the problem, Angela luv, neither can they.
ANGELA: Do you have any other options?
JEREMY CORBYN: (PRE-RECORDED VOICE OVER) Hi, I’m Jeremy, part time Geography teacher from Chippenham. I would love to form a special customs union with you, Angela….
ANGELA: Urgh he sounds a right whimp. I’ll just have to stick with Emmanuel, my bit of French on the side. Auf Weidersehn!
END
Chief EU negotiator Michel Barnier has come in for some criticism this week over his aggressive bid to force the UK to stay in the Customs Union. Fearing more delays, and in the spirit of Valentine’s Day, EU leaders are trying new methods to inject a bit of love, peace and understanding into proceedings…
BREXIT BLIND DATE
GRAMS: Blind Date theme music
PAUL O’GRADY: Hello and welcome to this special Valentine’s edition of Brexit Blind Date! Contestants, what’s your name and where do you come from?
TERESA: Hi, I’m Teresa from Eastbourne
BORIS: Hello, I’m Boris from London
JACOB: Good day, I’m Jacob from the 18th Century
FX: Audience applaud
PAUL: Fabulous! Now, your all here to impress one girl. Please welcome, all the way from Hamburg, Germany…it’s our Angela!
FX: Audience applaud
ANGELA: Guten Abend, ing britischen Idioten!
PAUL : (nervous laugh) Now Angela, calm down. What’s your first question?
ANGELA: Is David Davies behind that curtain?
PAUL: Errr, no
ANGELA: Thank God for that, he’s a proper Schweinehund. OK, 52% of your family say you should break up with me. How would you let me know?
JACOB: Well, one would first send a parchment with one’s manservant via sailing vessel ….
ANGELA: (interrupts) No, I don’t want any more refugees crossing our border, thank you. Teresa?
TERESA: I would spend nearly £1000 sending you a love letter, personally hand delivered by my two aides, first class on Eurostar.
ANGELA: And what would the message say?
THERESA: “Let’s get thrifty with Article 50”
ANGELA: Aaaah, das ist gut! Boris?
BORIS: Errrr….I would write a big message on the side of a London bus saying how much money you would save if we split up.
ANGELA: And how much would that be?
BORIS: Errrr…I don’t have those figures at hand. How about a quick note on the back of a Millionaire 7’s scratch card instead? Guaranteed win all round!
ANGELA: I don’t like the sound of him. OK, next question. Ideally this “Road to Brexit” you talk about should be how I like it in the bedroom - efficient, with a clean withdrawal. What type of Brexit can I expect from you?
JACOB: Well one would certainly be very hard…
TERESA: I would deliver you a strong and stable Brexit, minimum discharge.
BORIS: I would get my mate Govey to join in and we would have a jolly good knees up, trousers down, two fingers up yours Del….
PAUL: (interrupting) Now now Boris this is a family show. OK, decision time, Angela! Will it be Jacob, the weed in tweed, Teresa the lonely heart with obvious trust issues, or Boris, the floppy haired man child?
ANGELA: Well, it’s just like Michel keeps telling me….they are all nutters. I can’t make up my mind…
PAUL: That’s the problem, Angela luv, neither can they.
ANGELA: Do you have any other options?
JEREMY CORBYN: (PRE-RECORDED VOICE OVER) Hi, I’m Jeremy, part time Geography teacher from Chippenham. I would love to form a special customs union with you, Angela….
ANGELA: Urgh he sounds a right whimp. I’ll just have to stick with Emmanuel, my bit of French on the side. Auf Weidersehn!
END