A Hair-Raising Press Conference
Feb 5th 2018
Note - Angela et al are the names of the Newsjack performers that week
Japanese Scientists have revealed that a chemical in McDonald’s fries may cure baldness. One man in particular is very pleased with the news….
A HAIR RAISING PRESS CONFERENCE
ANGELA: Good morning. Following President Trump's medical a few weeks ago, he promised the American people he would focus more on his diet rather than the exercise he clearly does not require. I am pleased to say that today's news from Japan proves that twelve portions of fries a day sustains the President's magnificent hair and with it, a healthy, vibrant image of America. I will now take your questions…Kieran.
KIERAN: Thanks Angela. What do you say to CNN reports tonight that Don Jnr held a secret ....
ANGELA: (sigh) Fake news
KIERAN: ...meeting in a laboratory in Tokyo…
ANGELA: Fake news, Kieran
KIERAN: .....attended by McDonalds chiefs to sabotage the fries of rival foreign fast food companies?
ANGELA: There has been no collusion with the Japanese or McDonalds. These are lies generated by the Democrats, because Chuck Schumer eats at Taco Bell. And Don Jnr isn't even allowed a Happy Meal at McDonalds.
KIERAN: Why is that?
ANGELA: Because he would probably choke....
KEIRAN: So...
ANGELA: (interrupts) What I can say is we will be rolling out a nationwide fast food eating programme across the country to benefit all middle age men suffering from male pattern baldness. Not that the President does or ever has done. Kiell, your turn…
KIELL: Who will be in charge of this programme?
ANGELA: President Trump has appointed several well respected and highly decorated Five Star Generals to take this nationwide.
KIELL: I'm sorry? That seems a horrendous waste of our military?
ANGELA: Five Star General...Restaurant Managers. Thats what I said. Listen to the facts, Kiell. Listen to what I am telling you. Emily, your turn…
EMILY: I'm sure you didn't say restaur....
ANGELA: Emily, as outlined at the start, I am only going to answer questions on the President's diet and inspirational haircut.
EMILY : Errrr…OK. Have you tried any other food from McDonald's for the President's health regime?
ANGELA: Now that’s a sensible question. Yes, the President smears a mixture of Shezuan and BBQ sauce over his face each night before bed, giving him that healthy orange glow the American people love.
EMILY: Anything else?
ANGELA: Those little gherkins? Make his hands look huge....
EMILY: Does this work on any other type of fries or just those found in McDonald's?
ANGELA: To our knowledge this only works with French fries.... not so keen on Mexican...
ALL: EXCUSE ME???
ANGELA: That’s all for today folks, God Bless America...
END
Note - Angela et al are the names of the Newsjack performers that week
Japanese Scientists have revealed that a chemical in McDonald’s fries may cure baldness. One man in particular is very pleased with the news….
A HAIR RAISING PRESS CONFERENCE
ANGELA: Good morning. Following President Trump's medical a few weeks ago, he promised the American people he would focus more on his diet rather than the exercise he clearly does not require. I am pleased to say that today's news from Japan proves that twelve portions of fries a day sustains the President's magnificent hair and with it, a healthy, vibrant image of America. I will now take your questions…Kieran.
KIERAN: Thanks Angela. What do you say to CNN reports tonight that Don Jnr held a secret ....
ANGELA: (sigh) Fake news
KIERAN: ...meeting in a laboratory in Tokyo…
ANGELA: Fake news, Kieran
KIERAN: .....attended by McDonalds chiefs to sabotage the fries of rival foreign fast food companies?
ANGELA: There has been no collusion with the Japanese or McDonalds. These are lies generated by the Democrats, because Chuck Schumer eats at Taco Bell. And Don Jnr isn't even allowed a Happy Meal at McDonalds.
KIERAN: Why is that?
ANGELA: Because he would probably choke....
KEIRAN: So...
ANGELA: (interrupts) What I can say is we will be rolling out a nationwide fast food eating programme across the country to benefit all middle age men suffering from male pattern baldness. Not that the President does or ever has done. Kiell, your turn…
KIELL: Who will be in charge of this programme?
ANGELA: President Trump has appointed several well respected and highly decorated Five Star Generals to take this nationwide.
KIELL: I'm sorry? That seems a horrendous waste of our military?
ANGELA: Five Star General...Restaurant Managers. Thats what I said. Listen to the facts, Kiell. Listen to what I am telling you. Emily, your turn…
EMILY: I'm sure you didn't say restaur....
ANGELA: Emily, as outlined at the start, I am only going to answer questions on the President's diet and inspirational haircut.
EMILY : Errrr…OK. Have you tried any other food from McDonald's for the President's health regime?
ANGELA: Now that’s a sensible question. Yes, the President smears a mixture of Shezuan and BBQ sauce over his face each night before bed, giving him that healthy orange glow the American people love.
EMILY: Anything else?
ANGELA: Those little gherkins? Make his hands look huge....
EMILY: Does this work on any other type of fries or just those found in McDonald's?
ANGELA: To our knowledge this only works with French fries.... not so keen on Mexican...
ALL: EXCUSE ME???
ANGELA: That’s all for today folks, God Bless America...
END